Naming your Stress

For many people, Sundays have a religious significance. Some people see Sundays as a day to re-connect with family. I have always seen Sunday as the day to “get things done” before the week starts.

Sunday morning I usually start slow, and then jam-pack the afternoon with trips to Costco, Home Goods, the pharmacy… sounds productive right? But a weird thing happens. As I check items off my to-do list, the list doesn’t get any smaller. Instead, the later it gets on Sunday, the more things I think of that need to be done, and the longer the list gets. I start to feel overwhelmed, thinking, I’ll never get all of this done.

That feeling of being overwhelmed with things to do, combined with the anticipation of returning to work on Monday morning, is a term my partner and I coined “Sunday Stress.”

Believe it or not, just recognizing and naming that pattern of anxiety made a huge difference. Referring to “Sunday Stress” gave me some emotional distance from the anxiety, and gave me a more lighthearted attitude about it. It wasn’t a big deal, just Sunday Stress.

In addition to becoming aware of Sunday Stress, I’ve done a couple other things to reduce it. I try to spend at least a few hours on Sunday lazing around, and not feeling guilty about it.

But more importantly, I approach the to-do list differently. It doesn’t all have to get done tonight, or even this week. In fact, it really will never be completely done, because I can always find things to add to it. I have to accept the fact that there will always be a to-do list.

What have you noticed about your own stress? What would you name your stress? Comment or e-mail rebeccao@kennethyoung.org. I’d love to hear from you.

-Rebecca

 

 

Mindful Monday – August 7, 2017

Hello everyone! I’m starting a new type of post called Mindful Mondays! Each Monday, I will share a quotation about mindfulness and what it means to me.

“Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that – thoughts.” – Allan Lokos

Ever lost your wallet? Or your car keys? Your first thoughts may have gone something like… why did I have to do that? I’m such a loser. I’ll never get my s*** together.

This type of negative self-talk isn’t helpful. It can even be harmful, especially if you really believe what you’re telling yourself. But this self-deprecating inner monologue gets entrenched in our thought patterns when we’re kids or teenagers. Negative self-talk probably won’t go away overnight… and it may never go away.

The good news is, you can cope with negative self-talk just by developing awareness of it. You can begin to watch thoughts cross your mind, non-judgmentally, like you would watch leaves float down a stream. You can think to yourself, huh, I’m having that thought again. That’s interesting. No need to judge yourself for having the thought. No need to analyze why that thought is coming up. Like Allan Lokos says, thoughts are just thoughts. Just notice them and move on.

Another way to cope with first thoughts is to challenge them. Have second thoughts! It might look a little something like this…

First thought: I’m such a loser.

Second thought: Losing my wallet doesn’t make me a loser. Everyone’s done it once or twice. This one incident over the span of my entire life doesn’t define me as a person.

Now you try!

First thought: I’ll never get my s*** together.

Second thought: _______________________________________________

How did you challenge that second thought? Let me know in the comments section. And as always, please feel free to comment or email me at rebeccaaogle@gmail.com with questions or feedback.

Thank you for reading!

-Rebecca

How to Give Good Advice

Has this ever happened to you?

A friend comes to you for advice. They say, “Give me your honest opinion.” So you do. And then your friend feels hurt or angry. The conversation may even escalate to an argument or a major falling out.

Um… what the heck???

I have learned the hard way that, no matter how much they insist, people who ask for your honest opinion do not want it. Usually, what they really want is for you to confirm what they already think. When you don’t do that (either because you can’t read their mind, or because you know their opinion and don’t agree with it), it can just make them feel more confused and frustrated.

So what can you do to give good advice? I have a few ideas:

  • Be aware of judgment. Often, perceived judgment is what leads to hurt feelings. When you notice judgmental thoughts coming up, become aware of them, and return your focus to the present moment. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were in your friend’s position yourself.
  • Listen. Almost always, if you allow people to talk things out, they will talk themselves into their own conclusion about what to do. If they stop talking and you aren’t sure what to say next, ask a question or elicit more information from them.
  • Validate. “That sucks.” “That must have been hard.” “I can’t believe she said that.” These are all responses that show that you care and you’re in your friend’s corner.
  • Summarize. Briefly reviewing the pros and cons of your friend’s decision can be helpful for both of you. They will know you really heard them, and it may even give them insight into their decision.
  • Gently present your opinion. Heard of a “compliment sandwich”? I’m going to suggest that you give an “opinion sandwich.” Before stating your opinion, say something affirming, like, “I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do.” Then state your opinion. Say not only what you think your friend should do, but also why; give them all of the reasons. Then end with something like, “…but that’s just what I would do. I totally trust your judgment,” or, “…but you should do whatever’s best for you.”
  • Or, don’t. You may genuinely not have an opinion. Or you may know for a fact that your opinion isn’t going to be well-received, and don’t feel like it’s a battle worth fighting. In this case, you can say something like, “Man, that’s a tough one. I have no idea. Keep me posted on what happens.” If they push you for an answer, say, “I seriously don’t know!” If you can, make a little joke like, “I’m bad at giving advice… I guess I shouldn’t quit my day job.”

If you have any more tips for good advice-giving, or questions about this article, comment or send me an email at rebeccao@kennethyoung.org. I would love to hear from you!

-Rebecca

Fat Acceptance

What is fat acceptance?

I just started learning about fat acceptance (so please contact me with any corrections), but am so pumped about it that I want to tell the world!

Similar to the body positive or size activism movement, fat acceptance encourages fat people (especially women) to love their bodies the way they are.

Loving fatness is a pretty radical idea in a culture that is saturated with weight loss products and programs, fad diets, and photo shopped celebrities. People buy into the “fat-bad, skinny-good” narrative without even realizing they’re doing it. How many of your coworkers preface eating bagels or cupcakes with “I really shouldn’t…”? How many times has a family member pointed out that you’ve gained or lost weight? Repeatedly, in overt and subtle ways, we reinforce the message: your weight is very important and says a lot about who you are as a person.

Fat acceptance is also about fat people’s restricted access to the world. Fat people have difficulty riding planes, taking public transportation, going to the movies, and sitting in restaurants. Fat people are paid less and are less likely to be hired. Fat discrimination doesn’t just affect how people feel, it also affects fat people’s ability to live their lives. Fat activists advocate for people and businesses to increase access for fat folks.

Why “fat acceptance”? Why not “overweight,” “obese,” or “plus size”? “Fat” isn’t an insult, though people often use it as one; it’s just a descriptive word. Fat activists are reclaiming the word to decrease the stigma associated with it.

I have heard people justify their judgment of fat people by saying, “I’m just worried about their health.” I have three responses to this:

1. You cannot tell how healthy someone is by looking at them. Many skinny people are unhealthy, while many fat people are healthy. (Of course, that’s an oversimplification and health is a spectrum.)

2. A person’s health is their business, not yours. You can probably think of some ways that you could be healthier, but are doing the best you can right now. That’s also true for fat people.

3. Fat people are judged more harshly than skinny people for doing the exact same unhealthy things. Would you see a thin person eating a bag of Cheetos and think, “They are so unhealthy. Why don’t they do something about that? They must be lazy.” Probably not. But if the person is fat, those thoughts are a lot more likely to appear.

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Please check out the wonderful podcast Fat & Faithful by Amanda Martinez Beck and J. Nicole Morgan. Amanda and Nicole talk faith, politics, and culture from a fat perspective. Their informative and insightful first episode inspired this blog post!

Other sources include “6 Things I Understand about the Fat Acceptance Movement” by Jes Baker on the Huffington Post, and cswd.org. (Unfortunately, I’m having technical difficulties and can’t add links to these at the moment…)

What do you think about fat acceptance? Any corrections or important additions that need to be made? Let me know in the comments or through my contact page. As always, thanks for reading!

–Rebecca