Good Grief!

Imagine that someone close to you dies. You attend their funeral and their wake. The next week, you see them – yes, the dead person – from across the produce section at the grocery store. Or you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of their voice, as if they’re right in the room with you.

Some people see an experience like this as spiritual and meaningful. They might think, she wanted to visit me one last time, to make sure I was okay.

Other people might think, am I going crazy?

You are not going crazy. Hearing or seeing the person for whom you are grieving is incredibly common. It’s as though even the brain itself hasn’t completely processed that the person is gone.

Here are some other reactions that are completely normal when someone you love dies:

  • Not crying at all – Many people believe that if they don’t cry at a loved one’s funeral or at all, they are heartless, or they’re grieving in an unhealthy way. None of that is true. Crying is not a good or bad thing. It’s just water coming out of your eyes.
  • Sobbing for hours – Also, totally normal. It can be exhausting, but it can also be a great source of catharsis for people.
  • Not wanting to talk about the loss – Maybe you don’t have anything to say. Maybe you aren’t a very verbose person in general. Either way, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, no matter anyone else thinks.
  • Wanting to talk about the lost loved one constantly – Completely understandable! In the Western world, people often get uncomfortable when someone who’s grieving talks about a loved one who has died. Typically, this is because they don’t know how to respond. The truth is, there’s no magic phrase or reassurance that makes a grieving person feel better. Just being there and listening is enough.
  • Wanting to be alone – Again, grief can make people extremely uncomfortable. Being around all those uncomfortable people can get old pretty quickly. Or perhaps you’re an introvert, and being alone is just generally preferable for you.
  • Wanting to be around others all the time – Others can provide a good distraction from feelings of sadness, and can help you feel supported. It’s totally okay to want be around people.
  • Grieving for one week – Okay. That’s how long it took you. This doesn’t mean you didn’t care about the person as much as somebody who grieved for one month. People process things differently.
  • Grieving for two years – Well-intentioned loved ones might say that you need to move on, or “get past” the death. But grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Many people never completely “get past” a significant death. Time does help, but that person who died will always be important to you, whether or not they are still alive.

So the question is, if all this stuff is normal, how do you know when you need a support group, or a therapist? Well, that depends. If a few weeks after the loss, you’re still having trouble going back to work, concentrating at work, returning to your normal social activities, or keeping up with housework as much as you usually do, professional help might be appropriate. That doesn’t mean you’re grieving “incorrectly” or “unhealthily,” it just means you might benefit from some extra support.

If you feel like life isn’t worth living without the loved one, wish you had died along with them, or are contemplating suicide, these are also signs that finding a support group or seeing a therapist could be helpful. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

What other questions or thoughts do you have about grief? Please comment below or e-mail me at rebeccao@gmail.com, and let me know.

Quittin’ time

Have you been thinking of leaving your job?

Recently, I left my old job and started a new one. For me, quitting was a big and stressful decision, and I’ve been wanting to blog about it to help others who are considering it.

Below is a list of internal and external signs that it might be quittin’ time for you, too. Internal signs have to do with your personality or feelings about your job, while external signs refer to conditions in the workplace over which you have less control.

A. Internal

___You spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about work, even when you aren’t there

___You frequently arrive late or leave early

___You’ve been calling in sick more often

___You aren’t as productive at work as you used to be

___You don’t take breaks at work, sometimes skipping meals

___You haven’t taken a day off in 6 months or more

___You’re thinking about switching careers altogether

B. External

___You have poor or no health benefits at the workplace

___You are underpaid for your credentials or experience (visit glassdoor.com to get your approximate salary estimate)

___Your work site lacks opportunity for upward mobility or leadership roles

___Targets or expectations of you are unreasonably high

___Your job role and expectations have changed since you began the job

___Your boss has yelled at you, demeaned you, called you names, or otherwise abused you (this is external because no one ever deserves to be verbally or emotionally abused)

___You’ve experienced sexual harassment in the workplace (same caveat as above)

C. Both/Neither?

___You frequently have conflicts with your coworkers

___You frequently have conflicts with or anger towards your boss

___You frequently feel bored and under stimulated at work

___You worry about job stability due to external factors (cuts to funding, firings, etc.)

___Problems at work (such as long hours) are beginning to affect your personal relationships

___You do not receive enough training to perform your job well

___You have a soul-crushingly long commute

 

If you checked off mostly A’s…

Have you experienced any major changes outside of work? A move? A loss? I’m wondering if there could be something else going on in your life that could also be affecting you at work. Give yourself some extra care by talking to a trusted friend, pampering yourself, or investing time in a hobby. Of course, mental health services are always an option too 🙂 Once you’ve carved out some time for yourself, you may get more clarity on whether or not you should stay at your current job.

If you checked off mostly B’s…

First things first: No one deserves to be harmed physically, mentally or sexually, no matter what. If you feel comfortable reporting abuse to your immediate supervisor or human resources department, please do so. Most abusers abuse multiple people, so by reporting, you will likely be helping others. But if you don’t want to report for whatever reason, that’s understandable and perfectly okay.

Being frustrated about things that are outside your control sucks; believe me, I’ve been there! But before you put in your two weeks’ notice… have you done something you do have control over to change your situation? Have you spoken with a supervisor about your concerns? Have you asked for a raise or a promotion? People are pretty self-absorbed, so they may not realize that you’re unsatisfied unless you speak clearly and openly about the changes you’d like to see.

Speaking openly can be difficult, especially if you’re worried there might be backlash from your supervisor. Writing out what you want to say beforehand, using “I” statements, can help you prepare for a tough conversation with the boss. For example, instead of saying, “You’re a (curse word of your choice),” you might say, “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure, and it might help if there was more flexibility with the deadlines.” (Being specific also helps).

If you’ve already spoken up or taken other steps to alleviate your work situation, well, it may indeed be time to start looking elsewhere.

If you checked off mostly C’s, or even numbers from each category…

As satisfying as quizzes and checklists like this one can be, they definitely aren’t scientific. Qualitative data is as important or more so than quantitative. So rather than focusing on the numbers in each category, focus on the value you place on each item. Can you live with a long commute if you love the work itself? Can you advocate for more training opportunities or seek them outside of work? If you can think of any adjustments that would make work more bearable, try them out before making the decision to move on.

 

Whatever happens, trust your instincts. You know what you need, and will do what is best for you. Please use whatever was helpful from this post, and ignore anything that didn’t ring true for you. Thank you for reading!

Can’t sleep? Thinking differently could help.

When you get enough sleep, you are your best self. When you don’t… well, you may see it impact your life after a while. Your school or work performance may suffer due to drowsiness or difficulty concentrating. You may find yourself getting snippy more often with family and friends. You might feel more stressed out. Any of this sounding familiar?

I could write about sleep hygiene, but my guess is that you’ve already heard the tips before… Go to sleep at the same time every night, no technology 30 minutes before bed, a cup of caffeine-free tea, a boring book… Many of these strategies are effective, but if they don’t work for you, what then?

Sometimes when you go days, weeks, months without a good night’s sleep, it starts to affect your thoughts. You could start having thoughts like…

If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I’m going to bomb my presentation tomorrow.

What if I can’t fall asleep until 3 am? 4 am? The whole night? What if I never fall asleep again?

There’s obviously something wrong with me. Maybe I’m going crazy.  

These thoughts aren’t helpful, but don’t try to stop or control them, just notice them. Believe it or not, trying to stop thinking about something can actually make you think about it more. If I tell you not to think about apples, what do you picture? Apples, right?

Once you notice your sleep-related thoughts, you can start to challenge them. It may go a little something like this:

If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I’m going to bomb my presentation tomorrow. Well, for one thing, I may still get enough sleep tonight. I don’t know what’s going to happen because I can’t predict the future. For another thing, I’m really well-prepared for my presentation, and being tired won’t make or break that. At worst, I’ll yawn a few too many times.

What if I never fall asleep again? Whoa! I might be making a mountain out of a molehill here. The chances that I’ll never fall asleep again are pretty unlikely. And anyway, I don’t have control over next week, next month, or the rest of my life. I only have control over what I do right now.

Maybe I’m going crazy. Maybe, but probably not. I might just be feeling crazy because I feel powerless over this sleep problem. Lots of people have trouble sleeping. And hey, even if I’m crazy, so what? The most creative, interesting people in the world are ‘crazy.’ 

You can challenge your thoughts in your head or, if it helps, you can write down the thoughts and responses. Now you try:

I’ll never be able to sleep like a normal person. I’ll be stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life. 

Challenging response: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Guess what? You just did a cognitive behavioral therapy technique! Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective for a lot of issues, including insomnia.

If you challenge your initial thought but you still don’t totally believe your response, keep thinking, keep writing. Keep going until you can see flaws in the thought. If you’re stuck, you may want to refer to this list of common cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion is an incorrect thought that can make you feel worse. We all have them, by the way… therapists included! It’s just part of being human.

Changing the way you think about sleep can help you feel better about your situation and yourself. For more assistance and guidance, consider seeing an individual therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. And for questions, comments, and suggestions on this post, please visit the contact page. Goodnight and sweet dreams!

You have rights!

The decision to start therapy is by no means an easy one. Sometimes people think about going to therapy for weeks, months, or even years before taking the plunge. Talking to a complete stranger about your life can be intimidating. What if the therapist is mean? What if at the end of the first session, they spring a $300 bill on you?

It may be comforting for you to know that as a therapy client, you have rights. You have rights, whether you’re paying out of pocket or your insurance completely covers therapy. You have rights if you’re young, old, black, brown, white, gay, straight, bisexual, queer, transgender, have an eighth grade or a college education.

Your rights may vary somewhat depending on the specifics of your treatment. For example, although you can get up and leave anytime during a therapy session, you would not be able to leave an inpatient psychiatric unit without a doctor’s permission.

Here are some client rights that apply in all types of mental health treatment:

  • Right to know you have a qualified therapist – You have the right to ask a therapist about their credentials, specialties, and training.
  • Right to self-determination – You have the right to stop going to therapy at any time. You also have the right to be a part of creating your goals for therapy. You decide how, when, where, and for how long you receive services.
  • Right to privacy – All of your health information is confidential. Mental health professionals are not allowed to release information about your treatment to others without your consent. So for example, if a family member calls your therapist and starts asking questions, that therapist cannot even confirm that you are their client (unless, of course, they already have your permission to do so).
  • Right to respect and dignity – You have the right to be safe and respected at all times during mental health treatment. No therapist can abuse you in any way; verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually. Therapists are not allowed to discriminate against you based on your age, race, class, gender, sexuality, religion, or any other part of your identity. If you are being abused or discriminated against by your therapist, you can make a report to the Office of the Inspector General at 1-800-368-1463. (If you live outside of Illinois, this number will be different for you).
  • Right to fair payment – You have the right to reasonable fees that you are able to pay. Therapists must work with you to make sure this happens. Therapists must also be clear about how much you will pay, and the possible consequences of failing to pay for services.
  • Right to access your records – You have the right to have a copy of your records, including your mental health assessment, care plan, progress notes, etc.

You can read more about your rights at psychcentral.com, or myshrink.com. For more detailed information about ethical guidelines, you can read the Code of Ethics for social workers (many of whom, like me, are also therapists) here.

The purpose of therapy is to help you. Therapists may have credentials and knowledge, but only you are the expert on yourself and what you need. So don’t hesitate to ask questions, and let the therapist know if anything they say or do makes you uncomfortable. Being assertive will help you get the best possible experience from therapy.

 

*If you are an immediate risk to yourself or someone else, therapists may have to break confidentiality or set your wishes aside for your safety and/or the safety of others. As much as possible, therapists should tell you clearly when, why, and how they are breaking typical protocol.