Mindful Monday – September 25, 2017

“There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and in doing so become free.” – Ajan Chah

Much of our lives are spent escaping through alcohol, drugs, T.V., phones… anything to take us away from suffering in the present moment. I say “our” because I am not above any of these vices. I love mindless phone scrolling as much as the next person (but I’m working on it).

Anyway, the truth is, no matter how much we try to escape, avoid, or dull our suffering, it will follow us like a puppy. We have to sit with puppy and rub its belly for a while before it will finally scamper off. We must embrace and accept our suffering. Otherwise it will just bark louder, becoming harder and harder to ignore.

Sitting with suffering isn’t easy, and it doesn’t need to happen all at once. Start small, embracing sadness or anger or anxiety for just a few seconds before returning to usual distractions. Next time, try 10 seconds. Then 30 seconds. Then try sitting with your pain until it lessens, however long that takes.

Suffering is much more bearable when you have a supportive person in your life, whether that be a friend, family member, or therapist. You might talk to them about what you’re feeling or going through, or you might just spend time with them, not talking at all. Experiment and discover what you need to feel better. It might vary based on the day or the extent of your suffering.

As always, feel free to take whatever is helpful from these quotations and blog posts, and leave anything that is not helpful. You are the expert on what you need. And please comment or e-mail me at rebeccao@kennethyoung.org with any feedback. I would love to hear from you.

Wishing you a mindful Monday,

Rebecca

Mindful Monday – September 18, 2017

“If you see yourself in the correct way, you are all as much extraordinary phenomena of nature as trees, clouds, the patterns in running water, the flickering of fire, the arrangement of the stars, and the form of a galaxy. You are all just like that, and there is nothing wrong with you at all.” – Alan Watts

Many of us experience an ongoing, internal struggle with our desires and emotions. We believe that if we were “better” or “healthier” people, we wouldn’t feel the way we do. We shouldn’t want another slice of cake, shouldn’t be attracted to a co-worker, should feel more devastated about a family member’s death.

The truth is, our desires and emotions are often largely out of our control. We know this because, if people were in complete control of our emotions, no one would ever choose to feel angry or sad or in pain. We would just shut off sadness, easy as turning the nozzle on a sink. Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple.

So what would happen if, instead of engaging in a futile struggle to change our feelings, we accepted them? Accepting our feelings leads to accepting our very selves as “extraordinary phenomena of nature.”

But how do we develop acceptance of our feelings? Certainly, it’s easier said than done. It’s a lifelong process that will be harder some days than others. Becoming aware of your thoughts (particularly self-judgement), feelings, and behaviors is a good place to start.

Another thing to consider is your cultural biases. Many cultures perpetuate the idea that strong men do not cry. Who decided that expressing emotions outwardly is weak? For that matter, who decided that only men need be strong? Who writes the rules? Culture is changing all the time, and we can re-write rules that cause suffering. Why not?

What do you think? Reply in the comments or write to rebeccao@kennethyoung.org. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Have a mindful Monday.

-Rebecca

Mindful Monday – September 11, 2017

“Treat yourself, your mind, sympathetically, with loving kindness. If you are gentle with yourself, you will become gentle with others.” – Lama Thubten Yeshe

Each of us has an inner critic, a voice that tells us we aren’t good enough. Perhaps our parents or teachers were critical of us, and the inner critic echoed what they said. Or maybe we saw others judge themselves too harshly, and were made to believe that was the only way to live. As we come into adulthood, we can choose to ignore the critic, and create new narratives.

Many people believe that self-acceptance or self-love is narcissistic. But I agree with Lama Thubten Yeshe that “if you are gentle with yourself, you will become gentle with others.”

For, if our inner critic is too loud, it is hard to hear others.

If our inner critic is too harsh, it may dispel our motivation and hope.

If our inner critic becomes powerful enough, we may on occasion allow them to sit in the driver’s seat. In other words, the inner critic may criticize our friends and family. We may say things to loved ones that we later regret.

So what can we do about it? How do we go about ditching the critic and hiring a coach?

First, we must become aware of our inner critic. The critic will likely have some favorite phrases: I fail at everything I do. No one likes me. I’m stupid. Sometimes we are so used to thinking these things, because it’s so second nature, that even recognizing them is tough.

Once we become aware of the critic’s go-to phrases, we can begin to challenge them. Do I always fail at everything? Can I think of one thing I’ve done right? I know there are people who like me, and can list a few. Would I tell my best friend she’s stupid? Of course not, so why say it to myself?

Finally, we can create new go-to phrases from our inner coach. Or cheerleader. Or… some non-sports-related motivating person. I’m still workshopping it. Anyway, the new go-to phrases could go something like…

I am trying my best.

I’ve gotten through a lot of hard stuff, and I can get through this too.

I am a good friend.

At first, you may not really believe these new phrases. But tell them to yourself anyway, just the way you would tell them to a friend whether or not the friend believed you. Keep practicing. Like anything else, mindfulness gets easier with practice.

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I wish you a mindful Monday.

-Rebecca

 

 

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse attempts to damage your self-worth through manipulation, isolation, intimidation, shaming, and other tactics. Sometimes emotional abuse is obvious, but often, it is subtle and underhanded.

Emotional abuse can include…

  • Name calling
  • Backhanded compliments
  • Giving the “cold shoulder”
  • Forcing you to “choose” between the abuser and other people you care about
  • Consistently putting down other people you care about
  • Threatening to leave
  • Threatening to take away needed resources
  • Ordering you around
  • Demeaning your opinions
  • Degrading you in front of other people
  • Making you feel that you’re always wrong and they are always right
  • Making jokes at your expense
  • Controlling your money
  • Keeping close tabs on what you do and who you talk to
  • Treating you like a child
  • Making you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around them
  • Minimizing your successes
  • Pointing out your flaws and failures
  • Blaming you for their problems

It can take a long time to realize that you’re being emotionally abused. The way I see it, there are two reasons for this. First, emotional abusers are very good at making victims believe that they deserve to be treated badly. Therefore, victims may not realize that they are being emotionally abused because the abuse seems justified. Second, victims care about their abusers. Most abusers aren’t evil, cartoonish villains… they’re people, who usually have as many good qualities as bad ones.

If you believe that you are a victim of emotional abuse, there a few things you should know.

  1. The abuse is not, was not, and never will be your fault. No matter what the abuser or anyone else says, no one deserves to be abused, ever.
  2. You are not alone. Unfortunately, many people have been victims of emotional abuse. Being victimized does not mean that you are weak or a pushover. Victims of emotional abuse are often savvy, strong, and caring people.
  3. You do not have to feel pressured to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Staying or leaving is your choice. There are many good reasons why people choose not to leave emotionally abusive relationships; for example, fear of retaliation. If victims do choose to leave, there are valid reasons for it to take a long time. For example, you may be socially isolated from everyone but the abuser, and want time to re-establish relationships with friends and family, so that they can support you in the process of leaving. Or you just may want to be completely sure that this relationship can’t be recovered before breaking it off.
  4. Emotional abuse is no less significant than any other type of abuse. Sometimes people feel that unless they have been physically or sexually abused, their abuse is “not that big of a deal,” or that they are “overreacting.” Those who have been emotionally abused have just as much of a right to feel their feelings and get help as anyone else does. Everyone’s experience of abuse is different, and comparing experiences doesn’t accomplish anything.
  5. Help is available if you want it. Therapy is a safe place to figure out if you are being emotionally abused, process emotional abuse from your past, or to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship. Domestic violence shelters can also help, particularly if you fear you are in imminent danger. Finally, you may consider joining a therapeutic group on trauma, self-esteem, or women’s issues. Connecting with people who have had similar experiences can be validating and inspiring. You can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

 

Please don’t hesitate to comment or e-mail me at rebeccaaogle@gmail.com. Take care of yourself and be well.

-Rebecca